Porn is a guilty pleasure for everyone. Well, close enough to everyone for it not to matter. It is mostly a private issue as most people prefer to masturbate alone… So nobody is shouting from the treetops how much porn they are consuming. It is not a topic to be proud of. It is much more of a secret, something we hide.

When I was a kid, I discovered porn as an easy way to make contact with the sexual side of women without the risk. There is no chance of being rejected by a magazine. It was that ease and control of the situation that made this so attractive. Hormones go so wild in those days, and I could be just as aroused being at school with my female classmates. I definitely spent more time focusing on the girls in my class than the lessons. Though it was so much easier to relate sexually to an image that asked nothing from me.

So what is wrong with that? It means that porn is a surrogate. Porn distances me. Porn separates me. That is not OK with me. That had to change

SO WHAT EXACTLY DID I DO?

I know that I am trying to experience something through watching this porn. I know that there is something that I want to feel. The excitement and arousal is a front for the emotion I really want to feel.

Everything in the world is about sex, except sex .

Sex is about power.

Oscar Wilde

So my advice is to watch some porn. But watch it differently. It is a lot easier to do with still shots than video, but that is your choice. Find the picture that most excites you. The one that most pushes your buttons. What is it about this picture, is it the look in her eyes? Is it the compromised position she is in? is it her surprise, her sexual eagerness, her innocence. Whatever, it is different for each person.  What it is surrogating for is individual to you.

What Buttons does she Push in You?

What Buttons does she Push in You?

What is it that you want to feel when you look at this picture? Is it power, is it abuse, is it validation, acceptance, a love-you-hate-you dynamic, supplication, unwillingness, super willingness, is there a promise in her eyes? Whatever it is that you’re looking for. Figure that out.

That is the pull behind porn for you.

Then feel that emotion. If you look at her and want to feel power. Feel that. If you look at her and want to feel softness. Then feel softness. Imagine yourself in the situation where you feel the feeling, but without porn as the intermediary. If you want to feel accepted, or abusive, or rejected, or rejecting, or morally superior, do it. Access the emotion and feel what pulls you to porn and you disarm porn. It is owning your shadow side rather and that is how it is owning you.

Porn is not a healthy kind of sexuality,
it’s just very popular.

A little bit of theory

The pull to porn is about finding a way to feel that shadow side of yourself. The amount of pull that you feel to porn is the amount of shadow that you have to deal with in regards to porn. When you experience the feeling behind porn, you take away its power. The shadow aspect of yourself is trying to be recognized through this medium.

Now the thing about shadow, is that once you expose it, it is no longer shadow. Your subconscious is longing to experience that feeling. Once that feeling is felt. Once it is expressed, you have just disarmed your motivation to engage with porn.

It may take 5-10 minutes of feeling what motivates you about this picture to process it. It touching on all the feelings that are hidden in shadow, you are answering your subconscious’ call. By accepting the shadow aspect that longs to feel this power, you own it rather than it owning you. Doing this increases your emotional range: It broadens the number of emotions you are capable of.

You watch porn because it gives you a sense of power, or acceptance, or softness or whatever. Because you can find a feeling behind porn, porn owns you. Using porn to access a feeling is not helping you. When you do this, you claim back the feeling and the porn becomes irrelevant. It becomes and unnecessary action in the feeling you’re searching for. So when you look at that picture again, your emotional response is different. The picture has lost its capacity to excite you. It has lost its pull. It is dead in the water.

This exercise will teach you how to experience the feeling you are really searching for. Using the medium of porn to reach the emotion I really wanted to know was unhealthy. When I was able to generate the feeling for myself, it was over. I watched some still porn to understand what I was trying to reach.

So after I spent a couple of hours experiencing the things porn was pulling me to feel, I was a new man. I couldn’t watch porn any more. It had turned ugly. I was worried about how I would react to women after that; and I’m really happy with the results. I still enjoy looking at women, I don’t think I’ll ever get bored of that, but it is different.
A woman’s real beauty is now in her smile, and seeing her happiness. It is in her walk, where you can see her confidence. Her beauty is in her laughter, which is the joy spilling out of her. All these things enhance my contact time with women, and increase my ability to relate to them as human beings rather than a collection of fine anatomy.
So now I have more female friends.

Good luck to you guys, I hope this works for you too.

If you want to hear more of what I do, feel free to browse these sites.

http://alistairlarmour.com

http://painbody.org

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